Depression.

Okay....
Here I go....


Recently I was discussing depression with a friend and he described it as "a malady of our own making."
Uh....no.
This really stuck a chord with me because I suffer from depression and sometimes it astonishes me how little people actually know about it.
ITS AN ACTUAL MEDICAL PROBLEM.
THERE IS SCIENCE BEHIND IT AND EVERYTHING.
ITS NOT JUST BEING SAD.
ITS NOT JUST BEING UPSET A FEW TIMES.
ITS ABOUT A DEEP DEEP PIT OF DESPAIR.

Almost every night I would break down into tears. There wasn't even really a reason for it! Depression is such a strange thing. I recently described it to a friend as a magnifying glass: it makes the small things much, much bigger. The feeling of utter loneliness that I had all the time was unbearable. It started with just wrestling with my thoughts until my thoughts became demons. Demons that would haunt me late into the night. I stopped eating. I shielded myself from other people. I hid in my room and when I went out I just smiled and nodded. It became so hard to go on that suicide became a regular thought that crossed my mind. I didn't tell anyone because I thought if I did, it would reinforce the idea that this was all for attention. I did get better, mostly because I was finally realizing that my life was worth living and I had many amazing things to look forward to.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that depression is a real thing. Its not a "phase", its a serious medical condition. Its not something that you make for yourself, its not even something you have to deal with on your own! I dealt with depression on my own because I was afraid to tell anyone, I was afraid that they would tell me that what I was feeling was normal teenage stuff and that I would get over it. I didn't want anyone to belittle the pain that I went through because after all of the pain and the tears and the demons...It made me stronger. So much stronger. 

I'm so much more happy now. Because I learned to love myself.

I still "wrestle with my demons" quite frequently and I've had relapses of depression. I still shield myself from people and things that can hurt me, but its because in a way depression broke me.

And I'm still healing.

Kat






Because that was such a downer post, here is a funny gif for you.