Depression.

Okay....
Here I go....


Recently I was discussing depression with a friend and he described it as "a malady of our own making."
Uh....no.
This really stuck a chord with me because I suffer from depression and sometimes it astonishes me how little people actually know about it.
ITS AN ACTUAL MEDICAL PROBLEM.
THERE IS SCIENCE BEHIND IT AND EVERYTHING.
ITS NOT JUST BEING SAD.
ITS NOT JUST BEING UPSET A FEW TIMES.
ITS ABOUT A DEEP DEEP PIT OF DESPAIR.

Almost every night I would break down into tears. There wasn't even really a reason for it! Depression is such a strange thing. I recently described it to a friend as a magnifying glass: it makes the small things much, much bigger. The feeling of utter loneliness that I had all the time was unbearable. It started with just wrestling with my thoughts until my thoughts became demons. Demons that would haunt me late into the night. I stopped eating. I shielded myself from other people. I hid in my room and when I went out I just smiled and nodded. It became so hard to go on that suicide became a regular thought that crossed my mind. I didn't tell anyone because I thought if I did, it would reinforce the idea that this was all for attention. I did get better, mostly because I was finally realizing that my life was worth living and I had many amazing things to look forward to.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that depression is a real thing. Its not a "phase", its a serious medical condition. Its not something that you make for yourself, its not even something you have to deal with on your own! I dealt with depression on my own because I was afraid to tell anyone, I was afraid that they would tell me that what I was feeling was normal teenage stuff and that I would get over it. I didn't want anyone to belittle the pain that I went through because after all of the pain and the tears and the demons...It made me stronger. So much stronger. 

I'm so much more happy now. Because I learned to love myself.

I still "wrestle with my demons" quite frequently and I've had relapses of depression. I still shield myself from people and things that can hurt me, but its because in a way depression broke me.

And I'm still healing.

Kat






Because that was such a downer post, here is a funny gif for you.

Fangirl: A Review

I have tried for the past week to write a review, but I realized something: I can't write reviews. I can easily imagine everything in my mind and if I was discussing it with someone I could remember everything and every thought I had while reading it. But I can't organize my thoughts on a post.

So in three words: It was good.

(Me reading this book.)

Not GREAT, but definitely not terrible. All the characters were well formed and the plot wasn't completely predictable.
So I suggest you read it. And maybe if you, dear reader, have a blog you should write a review and you can do it justice.
One thing I would have enjoyed: LESS CURSING. I don't mind it as much for myself, but I'm constantly worried that my mom is going to pick it up, flip through it and then I will never be allowed to buy another book again.
And it wasn't even necessary to curse every page! But again, I'm just a wee homeschooled lass.

Cheers!
Kat

The gods decide to punish me.

So a few days ago I posted a blog post about how I disliked Valentine's Day. And the gods apparently were displeased and they have decided to punish me by giving me THE MOST DRAMA FILLED WEEK AND A HALF OF ALL TIME. I wish I was joking.
Let me recount my week for you.

It started when a friend of mine, lets call him Ted, was telling me how he had a crush on this girl named...um, Lexi. Now I ship Ted and Lexi, and I was so excited to hear this. And then he told me that he had told her his feelings OVER A TEXT MESSAGE and she had rejected him. Ouch. Anyway. That happened. And guess who was left picking up the pieces of Ted's heart? (I exaggerate, but seriously....)

Next, my mom's best friend and her two sons came and stayed with us for a week. Now my sister Mary has been pen pals with one of the boys (lets call him Jess) and I ship THEM TOO. Anyway while they were here, Mimi and I kept embarrassing Mary by playing "Kiss The Girl" in the background, making sure they sat next to each other and keeping the other kids busy so they could have special "'chothers" time (NO IT'S NOT DIRTY, IT MEANS SPECIAL TOGETHER TIME. SHEESH.) On the last night of the visit, we were all going to sit down watching a movie and so Mimi, Mary and Jess sat down on the couch in that order. But even though they were sitting right next to each other, it wasn't close enough for Mimi. So she politely asked me if I wanted to sit on the couch (so that Mary and Jess would be squished even closer together.) Me, being the idiot I am, was like, no thanks I'll just sit over here and eat cake. Then Mimi pulled out the death glare...and within five seconds I was seated next to Mimi, who happily scooted close to Mary to make room for me causing Mary to sit closer to Jess, thus fulfilling Mimi's plan. Three quarters of the way through the movie, Mimi nearly breaks my ribs by "nudging me" and gestures with her heard over at Mary and Jess. AND MARY HAS HER HEAD ON JESS'S ARM.

On Sunday night, Ted, (see above) told me he has a crush on me. THAT HAPPENED.

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON YOUTH GROUP.

Whaleton has been accounting a ton of drama on her end and I'm just overwhelmed by it all. In fact Whaleton should make a blog post about all the drama on her part.

Now that I look back it's only like three things that made it a dramatic week, but it felt like a million things. I'm not used to drama!! I'm a wee homeschooled lass!

Kat

My First Time Doing Random Things

So I was binge watching my new YouTube crush, danisnotonfire, and I came upon a video called My First Time. Now I had heard of the "My First Time" thing, essentially it's the first time you did random crap, so I decided to do it for my blog. (Mostly because I'm completely out of ideas on what to do and it's only 10:30 pm.)
So here it is.....

The First Time I...

(I got the list from Dan's video and some other videos I have seen.)

Was Kissed

It...hasn't happened yet.

Went on a Date.
So what exactly constitutes a date? What if you went out to dinner with a guy friend and he ended up insisting to pay for you and then when you walk out of the restaurant he held your hand and when he dropped you off he kissed your cheek? Would that count as a date? Yes, you say? Okay well that doesn't help me cause it's never happened to me. 

Actually Spoke REAL Words.

Can we all just agree that Mama and Dada DON'T COUNT. I mean as soon as we pop out of our mom's womb we are constantly being prodded to say Mama and Dada. CONSTANTLY. So disregarding Mama and Dada, my first word was "kitty cat" (I think, the story changes a lot.) And yes I know it's actually TWO words, but in my mind they are just one word. AND DON'T BELITTLE BABY ME. NOBODY PUTS BABY (ME) IN A CORNER.

Had a Crush.

Zack Dontrememberhislastname. He was the bad boy of the Christian Saturday Play Date Group. He was also blonde.

Nearly Died.

I got into a fight. I used to get in fights with Play Group kids every once and a while. I have a strong sense of justice and a thirst for violence. This jerk pulled a girl's hair and I didn't take that crap from anyone. So naturally I punched him. He pushed me down and my head missed this huge rock by like an inch. I don't remember what happened after that. I like to think I kicked his butt, but I have no way of knowing this.

Had a Memory I can still remember.
I've actually been think about this a lot lately and a lot of random memories have resurfaced. But maybe my earliest was from when I still lived in Boston with my parents in my grandparents attic. I used to come down every morning and have raisin cinnamon toast with my granddad while he read the paper. I remember my toast being really dry because I was only allowed a tiny amount of butter.

I Got an Album.

Noel by Josh Groban. It was a gift after I had finished a solo for church.

Used the Internet.
I was obsessed with Webkinz when I was little. I checked my account recently and it's going to become inactive due to the lack of new pets on Valentine's Day. A small part of me will die that day....

Got a Stuffed Animal.

Kitty, a brown beanie baby that I still have to this day.

Bought a Book.

First book I bought-Grimm's Fairy Tales, illustrated.

Had a Friend.

In all honestly it was Whaleton. We spent a lot of time together when we were babies because our parents lived closer to each other. After Whaleton, my sister Mary. We were all total drama queens, I don't know how our parents put up with us.

Cheers!

Kat

Blog Challenge Day 31: Why I blog.

So I kinda suck at blogging. Fact.
For example, my writing has become increasingly spastic and I almost never get the blog challenges out on time, but the good news is.....NO ONE CARES!!
(That was about as close to an apology as you are going to get.)

The reason I started blogging was, of course, Whaleton.
But the reason I keep doing it is for me. Sure, in the back of my mind, I have the hope that one day I will become famous for my HILARIOUS blog and I'll meet tons of cool people and maybe make at least enough money where I won't hate myself every time I buy a Starbucks. But I blog because it's fun for me. I love the outlet to complain and express my feelings and while I admit this blog should be entitled "The Blog of the Passive Aggressive Queen'" I USUALLY don't post anything I regret and often am very proud of my posts.

So, like everything else in my life, this blog is all about MEEEEEEE.

Kat

Blog Challenge Day 30: What is in my make up bag.

My make up bag is just a ton of chapstick in a bag. There is some concealer and an eye liner pencil, but yeah, that's it.
So I'm changing it up! Again...
But seriously, Miss Emma Lee Hughes or BoyBoyAndMe or whatever, I agree with Quesbo. You are a forgetful and insensitive jerk. Just because YOU have a make up bag doesn't mean the rest of us do. But maybe you were trying to cater to the majority and I respect that, but not enough to not tear your Blog Challenge apart.

What is on my bedside table 
(I'm doing this because I'm too lazy to get out of bed and find something else to do)

1.  A lamp.
2. A box of tissues.
3. A clock/radio/phone/alarm
4. Neil Gaiman's Unnatural Creatures
5. Polybius's Histories
6. My glasses
7. A tiny envelope that says Catherine and holds a key to the TARDIS. (I ain't even joking.)
8. An empty bowl that once held ice cream :(

Kat

Blog Challenge Day 28: Yes, I skipped it.

And no it wasn't on purpose. I just can't count. I'm a homeschooler, what did you expect?!

Anyway Blog Challenge Day 28 is "What do you look forward to?"

Hmmmmmm....

I look forward to sending Whaleton's package to her. I'm quite pleased with it.
I look forward to receiving my package from Whaleton. 

I look forward to Valentine's Day for nothing else but the chocolate.

I look forward to the weekend. (It's the weekend now and I STILL can't wait for next weekend.)
I look forward to a new Agent Carter episode this week.
*More long term things*
I look forward to my birthday because I'm a narcissist and I love my birthday WAY too much. (Seriously. It's true.)
I look forward to finishing school and maybe visiting Whaleton in Savannah for the summer. Or visa versa.
I look forward to maybe getting a job at Barnes and Noble.
And I look forward to going to Choir Camp for the third year and seeing all my friends again.

There we have it.
I'm sorry I can't count.
Kat

Valentine's Day

So Valentine's Day is around the corner (I actually don't remember when it is exactly, I should probably look that up....) Anyway, usually I'm not a huge fan of Valentine's Day. Not because it's like Singles Awareness Day or something, but because of the whole premise of that day.

True or false statement?

"Valentine's Day is a day where you show the person you love that you love them by buying them chocolate and flowers and doing romantic things."

 I'll answer for you.
True.

Which, when you think about, is stupid. If you love someone then you should show them everyday out of the year, not just on a designated day.

But that said, I get it.
Valentine's Day is a day were you show your love with a little something extra. A card. Flowers. I get it. Maybe I'm just a bitter single person.

But, on this topic, I have an announcement.

I HAVE A VALENTINE THIS YEAR!!
Whaleton!
We have decided to send each other boxes of Valentine's stuff this year.
What did you say?
No it's not weird, Valentines don't have to be based on romantic love. This is the 21st century, we can do whatever we want.

So anyway I thought I'd talk a little about what makes Valentine's Day great and what makes it...not so great.

GREAT

1. CHOCOLATE. No more words are needed.
2. The after Valentine's Day sales. CHEAP CHOCOLATE.
3. Girls' Valentine's Day. I often bake cookies, go shopping and do other girly things with my girl friends around Valentine's day.
4. Valentines. No matter what you say, getting a Valentine's Day card is awesome. It means that someone cares enough to make you a card (because homemade cards are the only ones that REALLY count) and that means they are awesome. And you should hug them. Even if you don't like hugs (like me.) Because they are awesome.
5. Heart-Shaped Everything. Because it's cute.

NOT SO GREAT

1. All the freaking couples making out. I get it, it's a romantic day. But please go to a private room BEFORE you try to eat each other's faces. 
2. Every restaurant is packed. You want to go out with your girl friends? Forget about it.
3. PINK, PINK EVERYWHERE. Pink is an okay color as it is, but when you have it all over everything it gets old
4. No one knows what Valentine's Day really means. LOOK IT UP PEOPLE 

And just because Whaleton is bugging me to do this....

MY FAVORITE VALENTINE'S DAY TREATS
Chocolate. That's it really. Reese's and Kit Kats are great, but just chocolate. Chocolate is life.

So over all Valentine's Day can be awesome, but usually isn't. The chocolate saves it though.

Kat

Blog Challenge Day 29: Places I've traveled to

I don't do a whole lot of traveling, but over my 15 (almost 16) years of life I have traveled around a bit. I assume they mean like Paris and stuff, so sorry to disappoint but every where I have visited is in North America.

But because I can't leave you hanging like that....

PRESENT TIME!!!!

This video had me actually laughing. Like, not just breathing air out through my nose, but really laughing.

It's also kinda scary how accurate this describes me and Whaleton....
Not just with boys and stuff, but with literally every word anyone ever says.

Kat.

Blog Challenge Day 27: Favorite Recipe

1. Boil water.
2. Put tea bag in cup
3. Pour boiling water in said cup.
4. Let steep for three minutes
5. Add sugar and milk.
6. Enjoy!

Kat

Blog Challenge Day 26: An old photo of you

This is Whaleton and me in 2001-ish.

PSSST WHALETON. Feel free to just copy and paste this one onto your blog.

Kat.

PS. I'm way behind on challenges so expect kind of a lot to day!

Thoughts while procrastinating

Okay. I've spent all day cleaning and getting the boring stuff out of the way.

Now all I have to do is write ONE paper and take ONE test.

Its simple.

I can handle this.
Wellllll....I've worked ALL day so I might as well take a break by writing a blog post (link here)
Wow...There are so many IISuperwomanII videos I haven't seen.
Well just one more.
Well just one more.
Well just one more.
Well just one more.
Well just one more.
Well just one more.
Well just one more.
Well just one more.
Well just one more.
Well just one more.
Well just one more.
Well just one more.
Well just one more.
Well just one more.
Well just one more.
Well just one more.
Oh she did a collab with Connor Franta.
I'll just watch that one and then I'm done.
Oh Connor Franta has a vlog about procrastinating.
Better watch that.
Oh look a procrastinating video by danisnotonfire.
He's right. I should get my work done.
NAH.
I'll finish my blog post first.
Well I have to do "research" on the YouTubers before I put them in my blog.
Just a few more.
Ok now I'm getting my paper done.
Its just one paper and one test.
I can do this.
Well....Now I need to respond to Edward's chats.....
Okay real quick.
Done.
Oh, but what about that email Frankie sent me?
Okay REAL quick.
Okay....done.
Uhhhhh...What about the NHS email Christopher sent me? (Don't mind me. Just causally name dropping, no biggie.)
FINALLY DONE.
Now the test.
*I ACTUALLY DID THE TEST*
*SENT IN THE TEST*
Well that's enough work for one evening. I can do the paper tomorrow.

Kat.

Blog Challenge Day 25: Favorite YouTubers

So the original challenge was Favorite Blogs, but I really don't read blogs. I know....

I'm a blogger and I don't read blogs. Mostly its because I do think that blogs are not the most effective source of entertainment and really the only reason I blog is for me. Its not to entertain other people. Its for me to get ideas and thoughts down on (digital) paper and its like a diary. So I changed the challenge to Favorite YouTubers.

I am an avid YouTube watcher. I have explored every inch of the website from awesome and hilarious material to stuff that makes me want poke out my eyes, impale them on sticks, and roast them over a fire. SCARRED FOR LIFE, I'M TELLING YOU. SCARRED. FOR. LIFE.

Anyway.

Here is a list of my favorite YouTubers.

(This is in no particular order.)

1. IISuperwomanII
   I am addicted to IISuperwomanII right now. Her crazy energy and hilarious videos are awesome when you need a pick me up. I especially love her White Girls vs Brown Girls video.
2. Tyler Oakley 
   THIS GUY THO. You can't help but laughing when he laughs. ITS INFECTIOUS. 
3. Troye Sivan
   "OTP" is the story of my life.
4. danisnotonfire
   Classic British YouTuber. Awesome, great hair, really cute, hilarious and a huge variety of videos.
5. Beckie0
   Beckie is an inspiration to everyone and everything.
6. Good Mythical Morning
   Every morning: wake up, make tea, watch Good Mythical Morning.
7. Jake Dudman
   If I had to chose one YouTuber to watch for the rest of my life...JAKE DUDMAN. *dreamy sigh*
8. Blimey Cow
   One of the first YouTubers I started to watch consistantly.
9. pondeleven
   THE BEST WHOUFFLE VIDEOS EVER.
10. BuzzfeedViolet
    Just watch them and you will understand.
    
    
    UPDATE
11. N. Orosco
    There. Happy, Nicolas?

Cheers!
Kat.

Blog Challenge Day 24: Childhood books

As a kid, I was big into picture books. I loved big, swirly, fancy illustrations and characters that leaped from the pages and into your heart.

There were many books that fulfilled my need of pictures, but none as well as Saint George and the Dragon.

I, of course, knew the story. But this was retold in a totally different way than the one I had learned. Saint George marries a beautiful princess after the end of the tale, there is an actual dragon and and the fact that fairies were involved are just some of the changes from the story I knew.

The illustrations are big and beautiful with eye capturing detail. You notice new things every time you open the pages and flip through them.

And of course the ending that every young girl desires: a beautiful wedding.

And that was my favorite childhood book.

Kat

Blog Challenge Day 23: Dream Job

When you say "dream job" do you mean a job I've had in a dream? Because in that case I would be the bodyguard to a newly discovered prince with terrible eyesight, a thing for a random girl in a teal dress and a love of cheese pies. (Don't ask.)

But if you mean the job that I dream about having.... probably literature professor. I'd also love to be a doctor, but I don't know if I could give up my life like that. I mean you can't settle down until at least 35! And you're working 9 to 5, six days a week. 

But being a professor of literature....I could do what I love: teaching and reading. Plus I could arrange the seats so that certain students sit next to each other.*wink* *wink*

Its almost like being a doctor is the practical option and being a teacher is the dream.

ITS ALL SO CONFUSING.

Kat.

Blog Challenge Day 22: the best things that happened this year

I sat down with all this stuff in mind.....and then I remembered.... ITS 2015! And literally NOTHING has happened this year. But if I had to choose a few things......

1. STELLA!!
   
2. First NHS meeting.
3. Five new additions to my book collection. (WELCOME MY CHILDREN.)

Cheers!

Kat