Why I can never be a Disney Princess

I think we can all agree that there is a certain standard that every Disney Princess upholds. This standard is ridiculous, impossible and degrades women.....but I think I can say that every girl still wants to be a Disney Princess. There are so many perks! Handsome princes, rich castles, wild animal pets, and a happy ending. So I took a look at myself and realized that "Hey! ...I'd never make it."

So here we have a look at the basic talents of a Disney Princess and how I stack up to them

1. Talking to animals.
   
   
   
   Literally every Disney princess has this in some shape or form. Even Mulan talks to Mushu!
   
   Me: All animals hate me. I wish I was joking. I'm supposed to housesit a cat this weekend and I'm afraid for my life.
   
2. The ability to remain hopeful all the time.
   
   
   

   Every Disney Princess has some major life changing event, usually it's not a good thing. BUT THEY ARE ALWAYS SO HAPPY ABOUT IT?! Like what even? I've come to the conclusion that they are missing their amygdala (the part of the brain that controls fear.)
   
   Me: Yeah nope.
   
3. Going after what you want.

   
   

   Yeah sure sometimes it's a bit more like what just happens to them, but for the most part Disney Princess get what they want.
   
   Me: Even if I want something, even if I've said "Yeah I want that. I like that." it still so hard for me to ACTUALLY do it! I can almost never get the guts to do the things I want to do, because I'm scared of how other people will react. Obviously I mean when it comes to bigger things, because if I want that ice cream, I will get that ice cream.
   
4. Having the voice of an angel.
   

   
   

   Does this one really need explaining?
   
   Me: My voice is one of my biggest insecurities. I don't like my voice, it's too low and it's all weird and bleh. So obviously I fail on like the biggest requirement for being a Disney Princess.
   
5. Connecting with Nature.
   

   
   

   I need a Disney Princess that like runs onto branches and trips over logs and just generally hates nature. I just don't understand how all of them just get along so well with the outdoors!
   
   Me: HAHA no.
   
6. Natural Grace.
   

   
   

   Disney Princesses: They always do everything with absolute grace and daintiness (random note: doesn't the word "daintiness" LOOK dainty?)
   
   Me: The one time I tried to be dainty, I ended up bruising my hip and leg.
   
7. Crying Prettily.
   Here are a few examples:
   

   

   

   

   
   
   

   Me: I was once told by my grandfather that if I ever found a prince, I must never to cry around him or he'd leave me for sure. (I was like 8, but that still hurts.)

So those are a few reasons why I can't be a Disney Princess. Although... ikindawishiwasadisneyprincess.

What?

I said what?

Don't be preposterous.

Kat out. *drops mic*